Blackwood Grove, Fandom, Wednesday Afternoon

[witchoftheflesh]

Adrian really appreciated winter. It wrapped the grove up in silence and stillness, a hush blanketing over the woods. Winter was a time of rest and restoration; a hard season yes, especially for animals, but the world slumbered and the rhythm of the cycles slowed and the season itself brought beauty, especially if you knew where to look.

Today, he was taking some time to just enjoy the season, become as one with it as possible. He sat out on his porch, a cup of coffee in hand, wrapped in a thickly-knit blanket, and just enjoyed the serenity.

Surely it would last.

[For one, please!]

Comments

[witchoftheflesh]

Adrian shook his head. "We're trained not to go down that far," he said. "For exactly that reason - we can lose ourselves to it. Become one with the growth and the vastness and either forget our way back or choose not to."

Another contemplative sip. "Is that what you were angry about? When you left? That she had brought you back?"

[joan_of_bark]

"Yes."

Pam sipped her tea. Thought about Bella, yelling at her to go back to Harley, to heal, to be happy.

Thought about thinking no and you don't get to decide anything for me, ever again.

She took another sip.

[witchoftheflesh]

Had she refused because it wasn't what she wanted? Or because she just didn't want to be told what to do, especially by either of them.

"Have you forgiven her?"

[joan_of_bark]

"Yes."

That one was quieter.

(Had she forgiven herself? She'd rather not think about that.)

[witchoftheflesh]

"Sounds like it's been a long road to get here," he said softly. "It may have taken you some dark places, but it brought you back into the light, too."

[joan_of_bark]

"Some light," Pam muttered. (Chickening out of telling him? Or sparing them both? She wasn't sure about that one, either.) "I kissed this Harley last week."

[witchoftheflesh]

Adrian just looked at her. "If you think that's going to make me think less of you, I'm worried about how little you think of me."

[joan_of_bark]

"That's not it," Pam said. She reached for her cookie. "That's just the fuckup of the month."

[witchoftheflesh]

"So, under the influence of a mind-altering chemical, you kissed a version of the woman that you love and miss deeply," Adrian said. "Which has added a new layer of complicating guilt."

[joan_of_bark]

"She took it very poorly," Pam said. "Which... I could've known she would."

[witchoftheflesh]

"Because she didn't want to just be a stand-in for the person you really wanted?"

Because that seemed legit.

[joan_of_bark]

Pam shot him a wry look.

Harley didn't exactly function the way most people expected, did she?

"Because she feels I rejected her by stopping her before we had sex against the side of the building."

[witchoftheflesh]

Adrian had barely met Harley and she'd been digging through the trash outside of PYP when he had. He had the barest impression of bright colors and high energy.

"...Because of the pollen?" he asked, thus proving her unsaid point. "I can imagine that being very frustrating..."

[joan_of_bark]

"No," Pam said. She reached for her tea. "Because now she feels like I don't care enough to have sex with her."

[witchoftheflesh]

"...Okay, damn," Adrian said, sipping his tea. "She thinks you don't care because you didn't want to use her as a stand-in for somebody completely different."

Please help him square this circle, Pam.

[joan_of_bark]

Pam took a sip of her tea. "Harley spent years in a relationship with a sadistic psychopath who made her jump through hoops for his affection," she said. "My Harley has processed all of that. I don't think this one has. I also don't think her breakup with her me went... well..."

[witchoftheflesh]

"So how much of this guilt are you taking on yourself, exactly?" Adrian said. "You kissed her. You stopped it before it went too far because you knew it wasn't right. She's having an outsized emotional reaction to it, due to what sounds like a lot of personal trauma. How much of this do you feel is on you...?"

[joan_of_bark]

Pam was silent for a moment.

She sighed.

"I hate seeing her cry."

[witchoftheflesh]

"Makes sense," Adrian said. "But even so, that doesn't make it your fault. It sounds like you drew a boundary and she doesn't like it. And that makes sense for her. She feels rejected and it's hitting her in bad spots. But feeling some kind of way doesn't make it true. For either of you."

[joan_of_bark]

"You're annoyingly sensible, you know that?"

That was the extent of what she had, yes.

[witchoftheflesh]

Adrian grinned like he'd just been given a compliment of the highest order. "You can blame my aunts," he assured her. "They'll be thrilled to hear it."

[joan_of_bark]

Pam shook her head. And then she sagged backwards, until she was laying prone on the floor.

She made a rattling noise that could charitably be called an extended "eugh".

[witchoftheflesh]

"Yeah," Adrian said, sympathetic. "That sounds about right."

[joan_of_bark]

"I'm going to sound very whiny if I say 'why can't it ever be easy', huh," Pam told the ceiling.

[witchoftheflesh]

"So? Whine. This situation sucks," Adrian said. "Whine away."